Added on 02/01/2012Joke

This is a Tree Contractors accident report, which was printed in the newsletter for the DCA (Dodgy Cowboy Association).




Dear Sir

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for the accident report form.

I had put "hadnt a clue" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a plasterer by trade but decided to get into the tree lark 'coz my mate down the pub sed it woz an eesy way to make sum dosh'.

On the day of the accident, I was working alone up a big tree, I fink it woz an Oak but may have been a Pine (they are hard to tell apart). I had looked at the tree earlier and told the woman that it had Honey fungus because you could see a brown tint to the bark (it may of actually been some dogs 'doings' but whatever it was, it was definitely honeyish).

Anyway, I got my ladder and went up the tree to cut some branches. I wasn't stupid coz I was lowering the branches using a rope (I made it myself by weaving lots of washing lines together, I also made a harness belt from an old rucksack by punching holes for my legs, through the bag bit).

I tied the rope to the branch and looped it over another for a lowering point, I then went down the tree, tied the other end of the rope to my van door handle and then went back up the tree to cut the branch. I used an Axe to cut the branch, coz that's what the lumberjacks use. Once the branch broke and woz hanging I went back down the tree to lower it properly (I had to first climb on to a neighbours house roof to kick the end of the branch of his roof tiles).

I was told after the accident that the branch weighed more than me which is why after I had untied it, I was suddenly pulled up into the air as the branch fell. I forgot to let go of the rope and was pulled up the tree really quick, unfortunately I met the branch head-on as it came down. This is how I got the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, which I listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued to ascend the tree, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand passed over the lowering point so they were trapped between rope and branch (this resulted in 2 partially severed fingers). However, fortunately by this time, I had regained my common sense and was still able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the branch hit the ground and broke in half. Now the branch attached to the rope was lighter than myself.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tree. About halfway down, I met the remaining branch coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. But here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the branch seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I hit the ground and fell onto the broken branch and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

But I am sorry to report, that as I lay there on the broken branch, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my common sense and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the remaining branch and rope journey back down onto me, jagged end first!! This explains the two broken legs and loss of reproductive organs!

I hope this answers your inquiry."